A story about WaR, our castle, wizards, and a princess rap battle =o !
ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE WAR CASTLE
AMBALAMPS rushes into the room where the clan members are sitting.
AMBALAMPS: Guess who built a castle within walking distance of ours.
KAR’RINA: New neighbours! We should make them cookies!
SATROS: Yeah Kar, go make them some cookies.
KITTIE: Who moved in?
AMBALAMPS: Well by the looks of it… ToR Clan.
EVERYONE: Talking unhappily: What? ToR Clan? They’re our neighbours?! FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-!
THE FINISHER: Why would ToR Clan want to be our neighbours?
SADOSI: Maybe they’re trying to spy on us!
SATROS: Guys, we need a plan.
CJ_GUNS: We just need to drive them out of here.
KAR’RINA: We’ll scare them away!
JEDIKILLA1: They can‘t just move their castle though, and they’re not going to want to leave and abandon it.
THUGG: CJ_GUNS, I bet you could lift it.
BPORR: Yeah, you could pick up their castle and move it away!
THE FINISHER: Yeah, cause obviously they would just sit back and let him do that.
KNIGHT: Yeah it’s not like they have windows they could shoot him through or anything.
KAR’RINA: We could like, lure them outside and distract them.
THE FINISHER: Lure out the entire clan? You’re retarded.
KAR’RINA: What if we had a really good distraction?
KITTIE: How about bees?
SATROS: Hmm… a swarm of bees would probably get them out of there pretty quick.
JEDIKILLA1: How would we do that?
CJ_GUNS: I guess somebody would have to find a beehive and bring it to their door.
KAR’RINA: That sounds pretty dangerous.
THEFINISHER: No shit.
KAR’RINA: Shut up!
SATROS: Okay enough, does anyone volunteer for this task?
Everyone is silent for a moment.
THUGG: We could play dice and the loser has to do it.
KITTIE: That sounds fair.
SATROS: All right, this is what we’ll do; everyone will roll the dice once and the person with the lowest number will go to find a beehive and bring it to the ToR castle.
Everybody takes turn rolling. BPORR loses the game.
SATROS: Go get some bees.
BPORR returns some time later, angry and covered in stings.
BPORR: I found wasps…
AMBALAMPS: Why did you get wasps?
SATROS: You were supposed to get bees!
BPORR: Yeah but there weren’t any bees!
KTTIE: There’s always bees.
SATROS: There’s only one thing you can do if you can’t find bees.
BPORR: No no, I’m not getting wasps. I just dealt with wasps!
SATROS: No not wasps. CJ_GUNS! Get the bee costume.
CJ_GUNS: Good thinking! He hasn’t even worn it yet, we bought it for him ages ago!
CJ_GUNS leaves the room.
BPORR: How is this even going to help?!
CJ_GUNS returns, carrying a bumblebee costume.
SATROS: Simple, you run into the ToR castle pretending to be a bee, buzzing and chasing them around until they get scared and leave. Then we can proceed with our plan.
THE FINISHER: Derp.
BPORR: This sounds pretty ridiculous.
CJ_GUNS: We Are Ridiculous!
KNIGHT: Well the plan is random too. Just put on the costume.
BPORR puts on the bee costume. “I’ma Be” plays in the background. Everyone laughs at Bporr. He leaves, only to return several minutes later.
BPORR: They kicked me out.
SATROS: It appears that we need a new plan.
BPORR: Well count me out. Kar, make me a sandwhich.
KAR’RINA: Why can’t Kittie make you a sandwhich?
KITTIE: I don’t make sandwiches.
KAR’RINA: Oh. Fine. Be right back.
KAR’RINA leaves for the kitchen.
AMBALAMPS: We could lure them out with ice cream.
JEDIKILLA1: You don’t even give us free ice cream!
KNIGHT: He wouldn’t actually give them the ice cream, he’d just bribe them with it.
THE FINISHER: Do you really think they’d all come out of their castle for ice cream?
AMBALAMPS: Well it’s worth a shot, I am WaR’s ice cream guy after all.
AMBALAMPS puts on his Cold Stone Creamery hat.
SATROS: Okay, you get them outside with the false promise of ice cream. CJ_GUNS, get ready to lift their castle.
AMBALAMPS leaves; KAR’RINA returns with a sandwhich and gives it to BPORR.
KAR’RINA: Here Bporr!
BPORR: Thanks Kar!
THUGG: Woman! Where’s my sandwhich?
KAR’RINA: Oh… I didn’t know you wanted one!
SATROS: God damnit Kar.
KAR’RINA: You want one too?
SATROS: Woman, we all want sandwhiches!
KAR’RINA: But I just made one for-
KAR’RINA leaves again; AMBALAMPS returns.
AMBALAMPS: They don’t want ice cream.
SADOSI: They let BPorr in when they thought he was a bee, but they didn’t let you in when you said you had ice cream?
JEDIKILLA1: Maybe they like bees!
SADOSI: ToR Clan is crazy.
THUGG: I think they knew it was BPorr.
KNIGHT: Okay I have an idea.
SATROS: What is it?
BPORR: I’m definitely not doing it.
KNIGHT: No no, I’m doing it. This will get them outside all right, and they won’t be happy about it.
SATROS: They don’t have to be happy. What’s the plan?
KNIGHT: You’ll see.
KNIGHT leaves the room, only to return seconds later with a bottle of spray-paint, shaking it as he walks outside. WaR watches him through the window as he begins to graffiti the word ‘QUESADILLA’ all over the exterior walls of the ToR castle.
KITTIE: I wouldn’t blame them for being angry. That is pretty annoying.
CJ_GUNS: The Great Quesadilla’ing of ToR.
KAR’RINA enters the room with a plate full of sandwhiches.
SADOSI: Aw, thanks Kar!
THUGG: Yeah thanks Kar.
Everyone eats a sandwhich while watching KNIGHT get chased away from the castle by a small group of angry ToR members. KNIGHT returns.
KNIGHT: They noticed me before I could finish! They were all supposed to come outside at once to look at it and clean it, but not until I was done and out of sight.
KAR’RINA: Oh, well, I have an idea!
KITTIE: What’s your idea Kar?
KAR’RINA: We could use !
KNIGHT: Magic? Seriously?
KAR’RINA: Yes! Am training to be a wizard you know, I’m not quite there yet but I could try some stuff out.
SATROS: God damnit Kar.
THE FINISHER: I’m pretty sure we need a plan that may actually have a potential of working, not just you pretending to be a wizard.
KAR’RINA: I’m not pretending! I’m attempting.
THE FINISHER: You’re so dumb.
KAR’RINA: Shut up!
KITTIE: Be nice to Kar!
KAR’RINA: Yeah! Thank you Kittie.
SATROS: Okay okay what did you have in mind?
KAR’RINA: Well I’ve actually been studying potions recently, I just need to collect a few different types of leaves and plants and things and I think I know what I’m doing.
THUGG: You have to collect leaves? It’s getting pretty dark out already.
KAR’RINA: Don’t worry! I’ll go to the forest really quick and round up what I need.
JEDIKILLA1: Uh… that’s kind of…
THE FINISHER: Dumb? Yeah. It is kind of dumb.
KAR’RINA: Just wait! I’ll be right back to whip up a potion that’ll definitely get them out of their castle or something.
KNIGHT: Or something. Do you have any idea what you’re doing?
KAR’RINA: Well I haven’t made it yet! Just be patient. CJ_GUNS, get your muscles ready, this is gonna work! BRB!
KAR’RINA runs outside and returns a short while later, carrying an armful of branches, twigs, leaves, berries… and a bloody deer leg. Everyone sees it and immediately begins freaking out.
KAR’RINA: What? What’s wrong? Did something happen? Why are you screaming at me?!
KNIGHT: A deer leg?!
SATROS: What the hell Kar!
KAR’RINA: What? What are y-OH MY GOD! AHH! Oh dear oh dear
EVERYONE: GOD DAMNIT KAR.
SADOSI: Where they do that at?
KAR’RINA: I'm sorry! Ah ew I have no idea how that happened…
They throw it back outside.
SATROS: We need a new plan.
KAR’RINA: Oh god… I think I need to go to bed…
THUGG: Yeah, maybe we should all get some sleep and think over some new plans.
SATROS: That's a good idea. Everybody should start coming up with plans. Also Kar isn’t allowed outside anymore.
KNIGHT: At least not unsupervised.
SATROS: Okay let’s all go to bed, we’ll pick this up tomorrow.
The next morning while the rest of WaR slept, KAR’RINA went to Magick School, practicing hard to be a wizard.
Everything was going swimmingly until TOR’RINA of ToR Clan joined the class.
TOR’RINA: She wishes she was a real wizard.
KAR’RINA: Oh and I suppose you’re one?
TOR’RINA: Closer to it than you! You pretend you know all these spells and potions but you hardly know anything.
TOR’RINA waves her wand at KAR’RINA’s stack of books; they lift off the table and fly one by one out the open window.
TOR’RINA: Proof that I have real powers, and she’s just a fake wizard with some old books.
KAR’RINA: Hey! My books!
TOR’RINA: See? My point exactly. I’m a real wizard and you are just copying me.
KAR’RINA: Copying you? I was enrolled in this school first!
TOR’RINA: Well you enrolled because you knew I already had wizardry skills.
KAR’RINA: Then why are you here?
TOR’RINA: Just stop copying me! I’m going to be a famous sorcerer long before you could ever be, and you’re just going to continue imitating me, or trying to tag along and ride on my coattails!
KAR’RINA: I’ve been studying Magick for years! I just came here to learn more.
TOR’RINA: Well I’m the best. Find your own thing! Get your own ideas, set your own sails! Stop failing at being a pretend wizard!
TOR’RINA: Your throne? It’s WaR Clan, the throne is as worthless as them, just like your supposed princess title.
MRS. FEBRUARY overhears this from the hallway and rushes in.
MRS. FEBRUARY: Girls, girls! Stop this! Please try to get along, at least in my classroom.
TOR’RINA: Sorry Mrs. February.
KAR’RINA: Sorry Mrs. February.
MRS. FEBRUARY: Now everyone please sit down so we can begin our class.
The class begins; a while later it ends. As students exit the classroom, TOR’RINA stops KAR’RINA in the hallway.
TOR’RINA: Oh and one more thing, tell your clan to stop harassing my clan.
KAR’RINA: Excuse me?
TOR’RINA: One of your members came over last night in a bee costume. Another one quesadilla’d us!
KAR’RINA: Why did ToR build a castle so close to us?
TOR’RINA: It’s not your kingdom - actually it’s going to be ours. We can build wherever we like. Also because I wanted to be close to this Magick School - it’s the very best, and I heard you were enrolled. I can’t let you get an advantage by going to a better school than me.
KAR’RINA: Advantage? I’m sure I already know much more Magick than you.
TOR’RINA: Oh yeah?
KAR’RINA: Whatever, I don’t really want to fight with you.
TOR’RINA: Your clan does.
KAR’RINA: Well yes. Yes, as a clan we are your enemies.
TOR’RINA: But if we’re not personal enemies… then we could become friends and you could tell me secrets like WaR’s invasion plans!
KAR’RINA: I can’t tell you that!
TOR’RINA: Are you planning any?!
KAR’RINA: Me personally? No I’m much too busy.
TOR’RINA: Busy with what?
KAR’RINA: I’m trying to figure out a way to rescue KT.
TOR’RINA: Who’s KT?
KAR’RINA: KT is a beautiful princess that was kidnapped by a horrible, evil dragon named Gary. He keeps her locked in a tower. We’ve tried to rescue her before but she won’t leave - she loves that dragon. We’ve put up ladders for her but he just knocks them down. Actually sometimes she knocks them down.
TOR’RINA: Maybe she needs a prince to rescue her?
KAR’RINA: That’s the problem, she thinks he’s a prince!
TOR’RINA: She’d be better off with a frog.
KAR’RINA: He must have her under some kind of brainwash spell.
TOR’RINA: Maybe we can try to counter it?
KAR’RINA: Yes! We’ll find use our own Magick to bring KT back!
TOR’RINA: Let’s go ask Mrs. February for help, I bet she’s still in the classroom!
They return to the classroom to find Mrs. February poring over some old spell books at her desk. They explain the situation and the three of them search through her collection of spells and potion recipes.
MRS. FEBRUARY: Dragons have very strong Magick you know. I’m not sure if any of these will be powerful enough.
KAR’RINA: What should I do?
MRS. FEBRUARY: I think I have an idea that just may do the trick.
MRS. FEBRUARY searches through a bookshelf full of papers, scrolls and old books. She pulls out a couple of scrolls.
MRS. FEBRUARY: These are very powerful spells that should counter any Dark Magick the dragon will use. You must be very careful with them. When are you leaving on your quest?
KAR’RINA: In a couple of days hopefully.
MRS. FEBRUARY: Good luck.
KAR’RINA: Thank you. Thank you both for your help.
KAR’RINA returns to the WaR castle and immediately goes to her room to study the scrolls. Meanwhile, the rest of the clan has gathered to discuss their problem.
SATROS: Does anybody have any new ideas to get ToR Clan out of their castle long enough for CJ_GUNS to pick it up and carry it away?
BPORR: Since ice cream didn’t work, maybe Kar should try luring them outside with sandwhiches.
AMBALAMPS: That’s not a bad idea, we could pretend they’re truce sandwhiches or something.
THUGG: Yeah! Feed them sandwhiches while we steal their castle.
SATROS: It could work…
JEDIKILLA1: Kar should start making as many sandwhiches as she can.
SADOSI: Where is Kar anyway? Did she come home from school yet?
KITTIE: She’s your wife, you should know.
SADOSI: I thought she was married to ThuGG!
THUGG: No no, Kittie married her to you months ago.
SADOSI: What?! I never heard that!
SATROS: Yeah it’s true.
THE FINISHER: You can’t just proclaim people to be married, don’t listen to Kittie or Kar.
KITTIE: Yes I can, I can marry anyone to anyone.
BPORR: Yeah, cause Kittie hax.
THE FINISHER: That’s dumb.
THUGG: Yo Kittie, you should marry Kar to someone in ToR, that would probably scare them away.
KITTIE: No, she’s married to Sadosi. If they get divorced I’m marrying her back to you.
THUGG: What that’s not fair! Wait, back to me? We weren’t even married in the first place!
THE FINISHER: Of course you weren’t, Kittie isn’t even ordained.
BPORR: Kittie hax!
THUGG: Kar! Get in here!
KAR’RINA enters dressed as a mime.
EVERYONE: God damnit Kar.
AMBALAMPS: Kar, we need you to make a whole bunch of sandwhiches for ToR so we can coax them out of their castle.
KAR’RINA begins to mime making a sandwhich.
SATROS: God damnit Kar!
THUGG: Real sandwhiches woman!
KAR’RINA pretends to be in a box.
THE FINISHER: So freaking useless.
KAR’RINA mimes throwing a sandwhich at THE FINISHER.
THE FINISHER: Did you just throw something at me?
KAR’RINA resumes pretending to be trapped in a box.
SATROS: Okay well while Kar is being retarded we’ll need to-
KAR’RINA: A mime!
KNIGHT: Same thing.
JEDIKILLA1: You talked!
KAR’RINA: Oops! Shh!
SATROS: We need a new plan.
JEDIKILLA1: ToR probably likes Nickelback, could we lure them out with music?
BPORR: We could play it really loud so they’ll want to come outside and listen!
SATROS: Or, we could tell them that Nickelback is really here and playing live!
SADOSI: Yeah! They’d definitely all rush outside for that.
SATROS: Okay that’s the plan then.
KITTIE: You should go over and tell them Sat.
SATROS: Yeah okay. Tell CJ_GUNS to get ready. Where is he?
THE FINISHER: I think he’s in his room, I’ll go get him.
SATROS: Okay, somebody put some speakers outside and start playing Nickelback full blast, I’ll go over to ToR.
THE FINISHER leaves to get CJ_GUNS; AMBALAMPS and THUGG start bringing speakers and cords outside while KNIGHT finds the all Nickelback songs on his playlist. Once set up, SATROS leaves to get ToR; THE FINISHER returns.
THE FINISHER: Uh… CJ_GUNS isn’t anywhere around here.
BPORR: Oh! That’s right, he’s at a girl’s house.
KITTIE: What! Didn’t he know we were doing this today?
SADOSI: I guess we can’t finish our plan.
THUGG: Wait, what about The Finisher?
KNIGHT: Yeah, it’s right in your name, go over there and finish this!
THE FINISHER: Fine.
THE FINISHER leaves. They all look out the window to see SATROS leading a large group of ToR members away from their castle while THE FINISHER replaces their ToR Clan flag with a WaR Clan flag and begins shouting:
THE FINISHER: I DECLARE THIS CASTLE TO BE PROPERTY OF WAR CLAN. HAIL!
*ToR, realizing there is no Nickelback concert, turn around and run back to their castle, but the rest of WaR has joined THE FINISHER and only let SATROS back into the castle.
WaR, of course, was victorious and ToR was forced to shamefully retreat.*